Tefi Pessoa, the beloved host, content creator, and comedian, is offering her unique brand of advice in her latest "Ask Tefi" column. This installment tackles pressing questions about navigating post-relationship dating, dealing with a friend’s concerning new partner, and finding contentment in life’s "gray spaces."
Navigating The Dating Landscape
Pessoa addresses a reader struggling with "second-date decision paralysis" after a long-term relationship. The reader finds herself consistently making excuses not to go on second dates, even when the first dates are pleasant and the men are kind. She questions whether a lack of initial spark means incompatibility or if a connection can grow over time.
Pessoa reassures the reader that she’s not confused but rather "conscious," acknowledging the difficulty of dating after a significant relationship. She emphasizes that while a "no spark = no future" rule is outdated, there needs to be some initial curiosity to warrant a second date. Pessoa advises that if a date feels like a chore, it’s okay to pass, but also encourages challenging patterns and giving "just fine" dates another chance, as attraction can sometimes develop from a place of calm and curiosity.
The Caring Friend’s Dilemma
Another reader seeks advice on how to cope with the anxiety of watching a friend become involved with a controlling ex-felon. Despite trying to warn her friend, the reader is worried about manipulation and isolation, and is struggling to let go of her anxiety.
Pessoa offers a compassionate perspective, likening the reader to a "lighthouse" who has done her best to warn her friend. She explains that sometimes, despite our best efforts, we cannot save someone who doesn’t believe they need saving. Pessoa suggests a ritual to release the worry, such as writing "I release what I can’t control" and burning or burying it. She validates the reader’s feelings, reminding her that her anxiety is loyal to a past version of her friend and that compassion without boundaries can lead to burnout.
Finding Contentment In Life’s Transitions
A third reader, feeling stuck in a "middle-life moment" despite having a good job, a house, and supportive relationships, seeks guidance on how to feel content. She’s not necessarily struggling but is not fully content either, and is unsure where to focus her growth.
Pessoa offers practical advice for navigating these "gray spaces":
- Make a "More Of/Less Of" List: Identify what brings joy and what to reduce, and brainstorm potential future desires without pressure.
- Find a "Third Place": Seek out new environments and social circles outside of home and work to introduce fresh energy.
- Say Yes to One Thing: Challenge the tendency to flake on plans and embrace new experiences.
- Adopt a "6ML" for Your Job: Consider the sustainability and growth potential of your current role with a six-month lens.
- Make Room for Your Future Person: Prepare for future relationships by clearing space, planning trips, or researching romantic destinations.
- Communicate Your Season to Friends: Let your support system know you’re open to shifts and new adventures.
Pessoa encourages embracing the process of becoming and trusting one’s intuition while also being open to the possibility that "just fine" can evolve into something more.
