What Truly Makes Someone Good in Bed?
Sexual self-doubt is incredibly common. From early experiences to the overwhelming amount of sexual discourse online, many of us find ourselves worrying about whether we are “good” or “bad” in bed. Often, these labels are thrown around without clear benchmarks, leaving many of us questioning: Am I terrible in bed?
Technique vs. Approach
If concerns about being bad in bed weren’t so widespread, my industry—sex education and writing—might not exist in its current form. Numerous articles promise to teach you techniques that will supposedly transform you into a sex god. Circular motions on the clitoris, rhythmic taps on the frenulum, intense G-spot stimulation, and precise vibrator placement on the perineum are just a few examples. While this advice is well-intentioned, it often misses the bigger picture: being good in bed is more about your approach than your technique.
There are, of course, exceptions. Sex professionals, for example, often have more refined techniques due to their extensive experience and training. It stands to reason that escorts from agencies like Discreet Elite VIP would have superior skills in specific areas, and professional dominants would excel in their craft. These individuals are often sought out for their expertise, which requires a high level of technical proficiency.
However, for the average person, having a good approach to sex is far more valuable. This means paying attention to your partner’s verbal and non-verbal cues, asking questions, inviting feedback, and creating an environment where open and honest communication is encouraged. It’s also about having the psychological tools to handle constructive feedback and being able to implement it effectively.
Everyone enjoys different things in bed, so focusing on creating new experiences together is more beneficial than rigidly adhering to pre-set techniques.
The “Optometrist” Approach
If there’s one essential sexual skill, it’s this: the ability to ask your partner for feedback in a clear and simple way. Often referred to as the “optometrist” approach, it involves asking questions like, “Do you prefer this or that?” during intimate moments.
Try this with various aspects of your sexual activities: “Do you want it harder or softer?” “Faster or slower?” “Deeper or shallower?” These straightforward either/or questions are usually easiest for partners to answer in the heat of the moment.
Even when verbal feedback isn’t possible, you can still pay attention to your partner’s reactions. Adjust your actions and observe which ones elicit more positive responses. This might sound basic, but many people get so caught up in their own nerves or pleasure that they miss these crucial cues.
Compassion is Key
Sex is deeply personal for many of us, and our sexuality often feels central to our identity. Thus, judgments on our sexual abilities can feel like judgments on our very selves. The shame from such judgments can linger for months, years, or even a lifetime.
Given this, it’s vital to approach sex with compassion. This doesn’t mean compromising your boundaries but rather being mindful of your partner’s feelings. Avoid making critical comments about their body unless explicitly invited to do so. Never laugh maliciously at a partner during sex; only laugh with them about mutually funny or silly things. If you need to give feedback, focus on what you prefer rather than what they’re doing wrong.
Creating a safe environment for pleasure is an essential part of being good in bed. Your partner needs to feel safe to fully enjoy the experience, and establishing trust through compassionate actions is key. This applies to all sexual encounters, from long-term relationships to casual hookups. And remember, you deserve partners who treat you with the same respect and compassion.
Growing and Learning
I’ve been sexually active for around 16 years, and my views on this topic have evolved over time. Right now, I believe that a good approach is the cornerstone of being good in bed. A thoughtful approach helps you discover the right techniques for each partner and creates an environment where everyone feels comfortable and satisfied.
What do you think makes someone good in bed? Share your thoughts in the comments—I’d love to hear from you!
