In relationships, misunderstandings and disagreements are inevitable. Sometimes, we might know the reason behind our partner’s discontent, or we may be clueless about our actions that have caused them pain. It’s tempting to avoid confrontation and hope the issue resolves itself, but research suggests that addressing problems directly is often the better approach.
Engaging in open and honest dialogues, though initially uncomfortable, can significantly enhance the quality of our relationships. Here are some strategies to improve communication when we’ve inadvertently hurt our partner through our words or actions:
- Validate Their Feelings: Regardless of whether we agree with our partner’s feelings, acknowledging and empathizing with them is crucial. They seek understanding, acceptance, and to feel that we truly comprehend their emotions. Phrases like “I can understand why that would make you angry” can be powerful in making them feel heard and validating their emotions.
- Avoid Unhelpful Statements: Certain phrases can exacerbate conflicts. For example, saying “It’s not a big deal,” dismisses their feelings. Statements like “I can make this better for you” might seem patronizing, while “You don’t make sense” invalidates their perspective. Also, avoiding the conversation altogether can hinder conflict resolution. Instead, ask for a break if needed, but communicate about needing time to cool down.
- Own Your Actions: When we do something that hurts our partner, acknowledging our mistake is key. Avoid shifting blame with statements like “I’m sorry if you were hurt.” Instead, use phrases like “I know what I did was wrong” or “The way I spoke to you was inappropriate.” It’s important not to be defensive during these conversations.
- Explain, Don’t Excuse: When apologizing, avoid prefacing with excuses. A statement like “I shouldn’t have yelled at you but I’m really stressed” shifts responsibility. Instead, provide context without justifying the wrong action, e.g., “I’ve been stressed, but that’s no excuse for yelling.”
- Offer a Sincere Apology: A genuine apology involves owning up to the specific wrongdoing and showing understanding of its impact. Consider actions that demonstrate your sincerity and commitment to change. Be patient and understand that forgiveness might take time.
- Be Open and Flexible: Try to see the situation from your partner’s perspective, a process known as cognitive reframing. This not only helps in understanding them better but also shows your commitment to resolving the issue.
- Learn From the Experience: Recognize what led to the conflict and work on understanding your partner better to avoid repetitive issues. If similar conflicts keep occurring, consider professional counseling to help navigate the challenges.
- Seek Help When Needed: If conflicts persist or reemerge, and you find it challenging to resolve them, couples counseling can be a beneficial step. Counselors can help identify destructive patterns and teach effective communication strategies.
In summary, effective communication, empathy, taking responsibility for our actions, and a willingness to learn and grow from our experiences are key to nurturing a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
